Bruce and Demi

When I was a young teen, I thought, 'I want to have a divorce like Bruce and Demi'. And that was one of my goals in life. Yep. You may be wondering now if I got married the first time just to get divorced so I could check that goal off my list and I can tell you, that was not the case. I don't know about you, but my life plans and goals changed quite a bit between middle school and adulthood.

I know exactly where I am going with this post, and I am working really hard not to let my ADHD take over and steer this into answering a bajillion questions about why I would have wanted to grow up and get divorced, and all the reasons why and how my first marriage went under. Not where I am going with this one, but maybe someday. 

I wanted a divorce like Bruce and Demi. I remember reading articles, in magazines, of course, because the interwebs were still pretty new and you couldn't just type anything and everything into google, about how they had made these agreements to be kind to one another as they went into raising their children in separate homes. I still saw articles about them going to events and on trips together. I thought they had this divorce thing down pat and that everyone who got divorced and had kids should totally do it like that. Best for the kids, right?

A couple weeks ago, I saw a post float around that was being shared from a different celebrity's Facebook page that was an open letter to 'A Friend' on blended families. The bottom line that I took from the letter was this: If you are walking into a situation that makes you a stepparent, you have to love and be BFFs with the kids' other birth parent to prove you love the kids. And it made me laugh. And it made me throw up a little in my mouth. This is what I consider Divorced Family Fairy Tale Ending. I mean, who doesn't want everyone to just hold hands, sing kumbayah and just freaking get along?!? Sometimes, that is just not reality. Divorced Family Fairy Tale is the exception, not the rule. 

I wanted a divorce like Bruce and Demi. That is not something I will ever have. Best case scenario is that my ex-husband and I can be in the same room/space and leave each other alone, no one giving dirty or menacing looks, and just be, when necessary, for us both to be part of the kids' lives. And do you know what? THAT IS PERFECTLY OKAY! 

Sometimes, there is too much damage done over the course of a marriage, or through a divorce, and sometimes even AFTER that. My job as a parent is to do what is good and right, to teach them morals, honesty, grace and forgiveness. My job is to show them and teach them examples of a healthy lifestyle, marriage, relationships and friendships. I will never have a divorce like Bruce and Demi, it would be fake if I even had the acting skills to pretend, and I would be doing a disservice to myself and my children by choosing not to be an example of leaving the things be in life that are toxic to us. I can now give them a home to grow up in that is full of happiness, love, honesty, cuddles and snuggles. They are being raised in a home that gives them a good example of what marriage is supposed to look like. 

We don't speak negatively about their father to them, not when he makes false police reports, or shows up at my place of work to harass me, not when he lies to the kids (they come home with all kinds of stories), or when he takes things out of their backpacks that belong to us, or in our home. We just don't, because we love them, and they love him.

If my husband was to make an effort, or succeed in being my ex's BFF, he would be betraying me, and our marriage would have some serious issues. My precious husband knows all the ins/outs of the mess that took place over the course of my previous marriage, and if he was going to be BFFs with that man after knowing those things, well, there wouldn't be a marriage left for us. He is my protector, my encourager, my best friend, my love, and much more. I am ashamed of myself for staying in the grossly unhealthy situation that I did for so long. ASHAMED. I am now offering my children a better, happier, healthier life and example of a loving home.

There may come a day when they ask me why we aren't all buddy buddy friends, or why they have separate birthdays and holidays. If it comes up in the near future, I'll tell them that its a conversation for adults, and when they are old enough, if any of them bring it up again, I will have that conversation with them.

For all the others out there who have a less than Bruce and Demi divorce, that is perfectly okay. Are you doing what is best for your children? Here's an electronic High 5! You are doing awesome.