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Loss

I spent the next several days in and out of the ER, thanks to my awake sickness. I couldn't hold down any kind of food or drink. Everything that went in, even water, came back out the same way. I could go about two days and then I became so weak and lethargic I would have to go in and get an IV with fluids and nutrients.

Have I mentioned that I HATE needles? I do. Even typing that word just made me nauseous. I hate needles.

After about a week I looked like a druggie with black circles under my eyes from lack of sleep, sunken cheeks from losing too much weight and needle marks in both my arms. It was worth it. I would do everything in my power to take care of my tiny babies.

By January all of our close friends and family knew the situation. Every single person said they would be praying for us. I'll be honest, I did not care. I also didn't think it would make any kind of difference. What will be, will be. If anyone had prayed until it was painful, it was me (at an earlier time in my life) and it didn't make a damn bit of difference. *sidebar- I will touch on my current feelings about prayer in a future post*

January 9th, 2010 we had my nephew, Matthew, staying with us and he and Josh went to see a movie. It was snowing and Jace was sleeping. I was getting ready for bed and there it was. Bright red had soaked my shorts. I knew that I had lost Baby B. I called the nurse to see what I should do. We talked color, quantities and pain level. I really couldn't tell if the pain was coming from my womb or my heart, but it hurt. Badly. As we wrapped up our conversation, she told me that if I felt like making a trip to the hospital, I should get checked out.

I texted Josh and he & Matthew came home. Matthew stayed with Jace and to the hospital we went.

They immediately stuck me full of needles for tests and started an IV for fluids and nutrients. We waited for almost an hour for the doctor to come in.

He came in and asked me how I felt, told me that he looked at my blood tests and his exact words I will never forget, 'Your HCG levels are low, so yep! Looks like you just lost a baby.' and I swear the man skipped out of the room to head home.

That was it. My sweet, tiny, helpless baby had just disappeared.

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