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Surprise & Heartbreak

Since I learned I was expecting at the beginning of December, I decided to surprise the family by announcing it at Christmas. What's better than a new baby for Christmas, right?!?

I had my very first OBGYN appointment on December 17th, with Michael Clouatre (who I swear is THE MOST fantastic Dr ever!) at Willow Creek. I was über excited to go in because I actually had zero clue how far along I was and I knew that would probably get me an ultrasound. We chatted a bit and then he asked the US Tech to slip me in so that a due date could be determined.

I sat in the waiting area, fidgeting, heart pounding, anxious to see my little bean. I texted my little sister (she was watching Jace) letting her know what was going on. I was so excited to see Bridgette come around the corner to call me back.

In case you didn't know, when you're only a few weeks along, you don't get the same kind of ultrasound as you see in the movies ;)

It begins! Bridgette is performing the scan, checking out my little bean and I am filled with excitement! After a few moments I realize that the typical chatty Bridgette is not herself. She is still scanning, and she isn't saying a single word. I tried to sit up, she put her hand out to stop me and turned the screen further so I couldn't see. 'What is wrong Bridgette? I'm not really pregnant, am I?' I almost laugh now that this was the only thing that I could have imagined being an issue at the time. She finally met my eyes and said to me, 'I just need to check out a few more things.'

She turned the screen so I could see. I was pregnant! Yay! I could see the tiny little, no, TWO little beans in my womb! My eyes filled with happy tears as I choked out, 'twins?'. Why didn't she look happy for me? Was she just waiting to see my reaction first?

'Yes. There are twins, but see this one here?' she asked, pointing to the smaller of the two. 'This one isn't going to make it.' I lost it. The woman who never cries was sobbing hysterically and then everything went black.

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